We interrupt this serious blog about how to be a writer to introduce a cell phone text-based conversation of my six children, my son-in-law (Bob, married to Tiara) and myself about who believes in Bigfoot and who is a cynical non-believer who, if Bigfoot were a diety, they would be in danger of going to crypto-hell for their non-belief, but, since Bigfoot is at most a cryptospecies, their doubt of his existence carries no real fear of disaster.
TIARA: I need help deciding a debate that BOB and I are having. Is Bigfoot really a big hairy man with hormonal problems (and maybe gout) or is he not a human at all but his own species?
TIARA: Basically BOB thinks Bigfoot is a human or part human, bit I disagree, he is unique and his own separate type. Thoughts?
BRIAN: He doesn’t exist
BOB: Yes he does. Haven’t you ever been to an RV park?
ANDREW: I agree with Brian
BRIAN: Thank you lol.
MOM: I think Brian’s point is salient the big question is does Bigfoot exist, not is he human or non-human. By definition if he’s a human, “Bigfoot” does not exist.
SCARLETT: I thought he was a different species, kind of like a gorilla but smarter.
MOM: By which do you mean Bigfoot is another word for what Grandma Joanne calls “the garbage people?”
SCARLETT: Also, of course, he does not exist.
BRIAN: There’s a wonderful show on the history channel about a team of folks trying to hunt and kill Bigfoot.
BRIAN: Perhaps you should turn to that show for answers.
BOB: He just needs to get a haircut and a real job.
BRIAN: But they seem to be having trouble finding him, even after like 10 seasons.
MOM: “Wonderful show” and “hunting and killing Bigfoot” does not go together.
BRIAN: It’s called ‘Finding Bigfoot’ but I’ve heard some refer to is as “Not Finding Bigfoot.”
TIARA: You guys are not helping my case here.
BRIAN: He’s the missing link Tiara.
BRIAN: He’s halfway between.
SCARLETT: I want a picture of a Bigfoot person from BOB as proof.
MOM: I may be going out on a limb but I continue to think Bigfoot might be out there.
SCARLETT: The classic one definitely has an ape face.
TIARA: He is out there, and he’s not just some overlarge trashy guy who lives in an RV!
MOM: That’s why I drink out of the “I believe” mug every morning.
BOB: They have a hairy chest contest on the carnival cruise, I saw him there.
TIARA: Look, there are lots of ugly people out there but there is only one Bigfoot.
BOB: I saw him later on the lido deck in the buffet line.
BRIAN: He must have a lot of frequent flier miles.
BRIAN: Seeing as how he travels so much because so many folks see him.
TIARA: Maybe Bigfoot gets royalties from the show, and if they find him then it’s over, no more seasons. So he went underground.
TIARA: Or maybe if he’s a gorilla but smarter the ASPCA people got on the History Channel’s case about “no animals can be harmed in the making of this program” so, can’t kill Bigfoot but can keep making money on more seasons.
TIARA: So I think the fact that they haven’t found him is just proof that they are smart enough to keep getting paid.
BRIAN: Papa once told me that of I can’t figure something out, I should assume it’s the answer that requires the least assumptions.
TIARA: Darn I forgot to add Papa to this chat. Someone needs to ask his opinion to get a quorum.
JOLINE: We all have some Bigfoot inside of us.
MOM: Speak for yourself.
BRIAN: Shut up Joline. Go study something
JOLINE: Bigfoot represents the fear of unknown, death is real and so is Bigfoot.
BRIAN: If you give me a 10% cut of ad revenue.
JOLINE: Go scrub the deck Brian!
ANDREW: Joline be quiet.
TIARA: Brian be polite.
MOM: Papa is in Italy he may be asleep.
BRIAN: I’m a GM2. I instruct others to scrub the deck.
TIARA: Ah ok. I’m sure he would have some good input.
JOLINE: Yeah BRIAN be polite.
MOM: I like Joline’s answer.
JOLINE: If Bigfoot is human where is his family.
JOLINE: He should’ve been dead by now.
MOM: There are many Bigfoots.
SCARLETT: Brian cracking out Occam’s Razor, but Joline you make me laugh.
MOM: Big Feet I mean.
BRIAN: Joline is saying Bigfoot isn’t real.
JOLINE: No he IS real.
MOM: You all weren’t there the day Tiara and I saw Bigfoot in downtown Fort Worth.
JOLINE: He just isn’t in the mountains somewhere.
VICTOR: I thought Bigfoot was last a monster truck.
BRIAN: I’ll have what mom had when she thought she saw Bigfoot.
JOLINE: He is in our hearts and minds tormenting us.
VICTOR: Less than human, but more than ape. I always thought he was the missing link. The missing link between ape and Neanderthal.
TIARA: Yeah, he’s not just a big monkey. Big monkey could not have evaded capture all this time. He has street smarts.
MOM: Listen, Brian, it was the middle of the night, 4 a.m. actually. I could hear him breathing, this is not a joke.
TIARA: BOB do you think Bigfoot was outside our tent that night in Caddo Lake?
SCARLETT: You had better write this conversation up Mom or I will be disappointed!
MOM: I will… Just you wait.
BRIAN: It’s hard enough telling my friends you believe in ghosts.
MOM: Tiara: No offense but Bigfoot is usually thought of as a California-Washington-Oregon-BC phenom. There’s not enough trees to hide Bigfoot in Texas.
MOM: Why would you tell your friends that I believe in ghosts? That said, there’s no doubt I tend towards credulity.
BRIAN: I’m just messing with you Mom.
BRIAN: I apologize if it sounded mean.
BRIAN: IMO Bigfoot is as likely to be in Texas as California. Or in your closet or under your bed.
JOLINE: Bigfoot is in your dreams and your subconscious. He’s running through your blood when you feel anxiety before making a speech in front of people you respect, or when you’re getting ready to meet your online girlfriend of 2 years, hot_girl22, in person for the first time
BRIAN: Joline are you okay?
JOLINE: Well thank you for asking, Brian Francis.
MOM: If there’s anyone there who has an online girlfriend I want them to admit it now.
JOLINE: I’ve been isolated and alone for most of this summer but I think I’m handling it with aplomb.
JOLINE: I can say in confidence that the only one who could possibly have an online girlfriend is Andrew. Guess we know now why he plays tanks so much
ANDREW: You two suck.
JOLINE: You tell us Andrew!
JOLINE: Is Texas_tank_gal04 more than a friend?
TIARA: Mom does Bigfoot frequent swamps? Or is that someone else?
BRIAN: Andrew has enough girlfriends in real life as it is.
TIARA: We have lots of those in Florida.
ANDREW: Why you!
ANDREW: Why you bully me!
TIARA: Yeah I find it hard to believe that Andrew would have to go online to find someone.
JOLINE: Because I love you (hearts) and I can’t wait to see you in a week.
MOM: They just miss you Andrew.
ANDREW: [Posts dog picture, prompting Brian and Scarlett to do the same]
TIARA: [Posts link to FBI analysis news article]
TIARA: See – reasonable people believe!
VICTOR: [Posts picture of screen in room displaying news]
VICTOR: It was playing today.
MOM: It’s him. It’s Bigfoot.